Have you ever had so much to say, so much to share with the world, that you couldn’t get any of it out? Almost like a bottleneck of thoughts trying to get out of your body. Everything piling up but nothing coming out. It just sits inside and weighs deeper and deeper on your heart until you’re sure you will burst under the pressure of it all.
That’s how I feel today. And frankly how I’ve been feeling for the past 3 months. So much to say. Not enough of the right words to say it.
It’s a feeling similar to anxiety (of which I am keenly aware of as a 5th year graduate student who more often than not finds herself recovering from procrastination catch-up). But it’s not exactly the same. You see, anxiety comes with a large dose of guilt–a tinge of self-responsibility for the current stress. But this feeling is different. It indeed weighs tremendously on my soul the same (it has similar mass that takes my breath away), but it doesn’t bring with it feelings of guilt and shame. Instead there is a profound feeling of purpose and drive and meaning. It’s as if I know I need to get these feelings put into words, onto paper, and shared with the world, but I just can’t seem to get them out fast enough or edited in the right way. At times, ironically, it becomes so overwhelming that I’m paralyzed to do anything. So captivated to say everything, that I end up saying nothing. But it’s something that needs to be shared. Perhaps that’s the perfectionist in me (I currently have 6+ drafts in the works on the topic of simple/eco-conscious living), but I feel like I need to get this right. I need to say what I want to say in a way that conveys what I’m truly feeling. And it’s just too important not to get right. So this thing I’m doing, this new direction I’m taking (whatever it ends up looking like), it’s going to take time. But I want you to know that it’s coming. And it’s coming from a place of purpose, intention, and immense value.
I’m not sure what I hope to get out of telling you all this. Perhaps it’s my way of letting a tiny bit of my thoughts out to relieve some of the pressure I’m feeling, but I just want you to know. There is so much inside of me. So much. And I need to get it out. And I’m going to be vulnerable and it may fall on deaf ears at first (I’ve been pretty inconsistent on my posting schedule recently), but I need to put it out into the world. If nothing more than to verbalize what I’m feeling inside to myself.
Living more simply. Eliminating the excess. Getting back to what really matters.
Wanting less. Buying less. Wasting less.
Finding contentment. Loving what you have. Loving who you are.
Supporting ethical brands. Caring about how it’s made. And who is making it.
Cleaning up the Earth. Changing our habits for the better.
The human responsibility. The responsibility of influencers.
Doing something when it’s easier to do nothing.
Becoming aware where you once were ignorant.
Shedding your complacency to be a more active participant in your life.
All these things, and more.
I want this blog to remain a place of inspiration and light-heartedness for you. (Don’t worry! I will still share fun, colorful outfits, travel recaps, and the like.) But I also want it to be a place where I can remain true to myself (and where I am in my life). And recently, I’ve been feeling so moved and driven to do something more meaningful with my time, my life, and as a result this blog. I have a lot of things in my life that I’m re-evaluating and changing, and a lot of things about myself that I’m not proud of. I’m not saying I have everything figured out. Quite the contrary, I’m just starting to realize there are aspects of my life I want to fix and only beginning to figure things out. But instead of waiting years to share the perfect ending (whatever that is), I feel like it’s just as important (if not MORE so!) to share the journey getting there. Because I feel like not sharing it here with the world would be a gigantic opportunity (a purpose for my time) wasted. Because I have this feeling in my gut that someone out there (even just one person) could be helped by hearing my story and following along in my journey toward making a more meaningful life for myself. I don’t have all the answers. But perhaps if I share what I learn along the way and document my evolution, I can make a difference in someone else’s life.
All this to say, I’m working on getting it together guys. I’ve been spending every waking moment of my free time on it. I’m completely consumed by it. It’s become somewhat of an obsession. But it’s a good kind of obsession, ya know?–one that I will gladly spend my time on. Because really, is there any more worthy goal than creating a more meaningful and intentional life? Despite the fact that I’m having trouble actually publishing a post about it, I promise I’m working on it (a lot, actually). And when I finally find my voice and perfect these thoughts I’ve been working on for months now, I hope you will listen with an open heart and without judgement. Take what I’m saying, all my experiences and all my vulnerabilities and see them for what they are–opportunities to change, to grow, and to live with more intention.
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